he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
