I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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