The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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