in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
