I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize