New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
