I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
