bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have feelings that need drinking.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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