You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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