She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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