and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
