Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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