Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
