So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
