I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
