I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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