my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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