Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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