how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
