okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
