I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
