yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
