just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
