Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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