Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
