mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
