Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize