I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
