Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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