I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize