Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
