I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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