so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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