There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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