stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
