I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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