I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
