She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
