I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
