So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
