Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
vagina is talking i cant
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
