he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
