Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
