My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
