I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
