I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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