A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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