i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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