I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
