At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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