20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
