we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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