What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
