Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
