You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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