I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dignity is for republicans.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
