I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
