sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
