i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
