Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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