did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
