He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
