She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
