I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
